myhivemind

Things I am afraid of

2010-07-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

In the car this evening the song Safety Dance by Men Without Hats came on the radio. While I was enjoying the music I remembered hearing from someone that the lyrics were about the fear of nuclear war.

When I was young I had the pleasure of watching the film Miracle Mile. The film focus is an impending nuclear exchange between Russia and the USA. At the end of the film the exchange does take place, and the main characters die.

After watching this film I was very afraid. I remember being too upset to go to sleep. This fear, was a reoccurring thought, as I lay in bed for years to come.

Thoughts on prayer

2010-05-26T22:18:00.000-07:00

One of the most practical benefits of prayer is that of 'getting something off your chest'.
Even a prayer that states a desire is still a confessional. You must admit aloud your desires, the reasons and the feelings of helplessness you may have regarding that desire.
These confessionals can help ease the fears and anxiety you may feel. You may be better able to face the reality of not achieving your desire. This can serve to give clarity on a subject—allowing you to see the forest.
We all need some friend to talk to. A friend that does not judge, that will listen regardless of what you have to say. God can be that friend. For even if your confession is of a dark nature, God already knows about it, so you can have no fear of his opinion.

2010-05-08T22:47:00.000-07:00

I am joyful that I can:

chose how to live my life
spend time with people I care about
change and grow and rise above

I am glad that I have:

love in my life
opportunity
the ability to recognize my own good fortune

I am thankful for:

life
mystery and freedom

Age

2010-05-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

As I age, I find myself being drawn to things that I associate(d) with old people. I guess I am shedding some layers of pretension.

Dreams

2010-05-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

In my dreams, I am so close to being lucid, but not there. I dreamed I was in class. I knew that not enough time had passed for fall semester to have begun. I also recognized that what we were doing in class did not make sense. Yet I did not realize it was a dream.

Hope & Fear

2010-04-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

As a part of the Technical Communications course I took last semester we discussed seeking employment. Much of the content related to employment was the same kind of thing we learned in high school. Writing a resume and a cover letter, helpful tips for interviews. Even if you were not there I am sure you can close your eyes and produce a reasonable facsimile.

Our instructor touched on something I thought was rather interesting and valuable. Statistically randomly applying to as many places as possible does not work. You should only apply somewhere you actually want to work. You desire and optimism will show through.

What the instructor failed to teach us was how to deal with disappointment. How do you cope with failing to get the job? What do you when you get excited about a job? You imagine yourself getting it. You gain an interview, and walk out after thinking 'that went grand.' Then you wait. If you are lucky the interviewer gave you a time frame, casually mentioned when they would have decided by—a best-before date that will release you from purgatory.

I am not good at waiting. I am not good at failure. It is one of those things that holds me back in life—fear of failure.

When is it correct to use an ampersand? Is it interchangeable with the word 'and'?

Intraverty.

2010-04-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today I had the pleasure of witnessing some silly interpersonal drama between a fellow student and an instructor. I am well aware of a number of underlying factors that lead to this exchange. While observing this go down my only thought was "I don't want to get into this".

This reaction is rather selfish of me, but it does remind me of a great quote.

"do your own time don't do anyone else's"
'Low-Key' Lyesmith
American Gods by Neil Gaiman

It's a truly grand piece of advice. In all inter-human relations we must remember that another person's drama need not become our own. Think of it as being the calm centre of the universe, or just being a self-absorbed ass. Either way, don't let people get you down, because we all know, hell is other people.

2010-04-06T05:44:00.000-07:00

Books.

2010-03-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading

The Difference Engine by William Gibson and Bruce Stirling

A list of books I have read so far this year in no order

The Jade Peony by Wayson Choy
Fall On Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald
Generation X by Douglas Coupland
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham*

* When I got this out of the library I had no idea that it was by the same author as The Chrysalids which we had to read in school.

An incomplete list of books I read last year in no order

Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin
The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson
Wicked by Gregory Maguire
Son of a Witch by Gregory Maguire
The Gum Thief by Douglas Coupland
Not Wanted on the Voyage by Timothy Findley
Famous Last Words by Timothy Findley
Mercy among the Children by David Adams Richards
The Magician's Nephew by C. S. Lewis
The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis
The Horse and His Boy by C. S. Lewis
Rosshalde by Hermann Hesse
I Am Legend by Richard Matheson
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
Jpod by Douglas Coupland
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway
Angels & Demons by Dan Brown

I am missing a few, I think. Cannot be positive.

I am somewhat perturbed by not having read a single nonfiction book last year. I read bits of some, just no follow through. I've been slowly working my way through The Occult: A History by Colin Wilson. I have also been meaning to read In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan.

The endless

2010-03-13T22:25:00.000-08:00

I have had over 10 blogs in my life. There is no one person that has had access to them all, save myself. Somewhere I have documented a cross section of posts from those various periods. The best of the best.

I am faced with the desire to once again go through that cycle of death and rebirth.

Tonight I can touch what it is that takes me to that place. A glimmer of the strings behind the motions of my marionette existence.

The microcosm of my journal/internet existence reflects events outside it's sphere of influence. In my life there are things, situations that I do not wish to deal with. I would much rather pack up all my things and run away, taking my wife with me of course. Due to pragmatism, fear and other forces I am unable to fulfill this need, so I must act out on a smaller scale.

If I am unable to escape where I am, I must escape who I am. I have said it before and I will say it once again, I don't hate people for who they are, I hate them for how they make me feel. I'm afraid of people because once you let them in your lives, they have sway over you. Once you share a piece of yourself with another person, you give them ammunition with which they can tear you down. Like insects crushed by something much larger than themselves, we can be adversely effected by others, without knowledge or intent.

I hate you because you make me feel like how I feel is wrong.

Communication Breakdown

2010-02-23T08:45:00.001-08:00

I'm starting to hate my cellphone. A happy weekend is one where no one calls me. A cellphone means I *should* be available. It means I have to choke out half-hearted lies after a week of unanswered phone calls.

I often find myself drawn into arguments on subjects I really don't have any vested interest in. The best I can understand it, there is a part of my mind that can tell when someone is stating an opinion without having a logical reason. I feel a need to challenge this.

Unfortunately this drags me into discussions I don't care about, defending subjects I am not interested.

Candle light.

2010-01-02T19:14:00.000-08:00

2009-12-20T20:53:00.000-08:00

I feel I could never be a truly good writer because I am not observant of other people. I live in a world that does not extend beyond the borders of my physical presence.

Fun!

2009-11-25T20:32:00.001-08:00

Worker Bee

2009-11-23T14:53:00.000-08:00

I quit my job a few weeks ago. I was very tired, from work and school and homework and fitting quality time in with my wife. Now I have one less of those things to do. I will not bore anyone with a breakdown of my financial situation, I will only some our perspective up by saying it would be better to borrow money now, and do well in school, than make a little more money now and have my performance in school suffer. As well, I feel better now.

I'm getting excited for this semester to be over and then next one to begin. Next semester I hope will be more challenging. One of my classes is Web Publishing, which I am hoping will be enjoyable. Two Fridays ago I sat down at my computer and decided it was time to learn how CSS works. I can comfortably say that I get it. I don't know everything, but I am now in a position where if I were to construct a website, I could independently overcome the majority of hurtles.

After that, I want to try my hand at Flash.

On a side note, I think Covenant's Still Life is one of my favourite pieces of music.

The Myth of Icarus

2009-11-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

Before their infamous flight, Daedalus instructs his son Icarus:

‘Let me warn you, Icarus, to take the middle way, in case the moisture weighs down your wings, if you fly too low, or if you go too high, the sun scorches them. Travel between the extremes. And I order you not to aim towards Bootes, the Herdsman, or Helice, the Great Bear, or towards the drawn sword of Orion: take the course I show you!’

While riding the bus on my way to school this morning I was listening to Helicopter by Covenant and I was reminded of the myth of Icarus.

Considering how often this myth appears in modern literature and art, I wonder why. To my eyes, this is a tale of pragmatism versus idealism. It's moral could be stated "Don't do what you want, do what is safe". Which is a rather unfortunate perspective. To be told 'take the middle way... travel between the extremes,' is to be told not to reach too high, not to pursue our dreams, not to rock the boat.

And the anti-thesis to this, is what? 'It's better to burn out than fade away' 'You can not know what is enough until you know what is too much?' 'we're here for a good time, not a long time.'

Hey, hey, my, my.

Re:Location Re:Location

2009-10-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

So, we moved again. As of the 20th of October Kayla and I have been living in a little basement suite of a four-plex in northwest Calgary. There are some interesting things about it, and I do intend to post a few photographs. The most obvious quirk is that there is almost no storage space. There are no closets. The cupboards in the kitchen are so small and few. In fact there is not even a drawer large enough to contain a cutlery bin. It's going to make for some interesting solutions. And most likely another trip to Ikea.

While I am on the subject of moving, it seems as if Kayla and I relocating to the Okanagan at the end of school is a foregone conclusion. I don't mind that idea. Already I dread the coming of winter. As much as frozen wastelands is a part of my bloodstream, I prefer the winter back in Vernon. I think we will move to Kelowna. It makes more sense as far as my finding employment in my field.

I miss Dustix. I miss drinking Jamaican ginger beer and playing Super Dustix World.

The Art.

2009-10-12T18:12:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been trying to take a more serious stab at magick.

My current efforts have been concentrated on self-hypnoses. Convincing myself events will occur in a certain manner and then allowing it to happen. So far, it seems to be working.

I am still hesitant about practising divination, partially because I have nothing I want to ask and partially because I am nervous about creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It is all about changing my paradigm.

Words.

2009-06-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

Oh... to hate people for their intolerance.

Across oceans I look at you and wonder what is real. And when you reciprocate the way I have treated you, I will stop and reminisce, as if a slight pain where caught in my throat.

Have you become that thing you mocked? Have I? I cannot tell.

The world numbs us. Fuckers.
And then a song by Kate Bush fills me with longing.

I wonder. Will I spend the rest of my life like this? Will I always have to feel a strange sense of loss, a sense that part of me is buried under the floor boards? Why do I miss being miserably depressed and alone?

Emplyoment.

2009-06-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

So. I have a job now.

I got a job at Bumpy's. Which is this super cool coffee house in downtown Calgary. I am excited.

What is also exciting is a trend I have noticed. Well, the same thing happening twice is not a trend per say, but it does hint at something more than coincidence.

Both my wife and I have jobs, largely in part due to follow up emails.

Kayla applied for a job when we first got here, and the manager said he would get back to her in a few weeks. After two weeks of waiting, Kayla sent off a simple follow up email stating that she was still interested in the position. With in 24 hours, the manager responded to her email with an interview time.

I have applied at all the coffee houses in town that I thought would be awesome to work at, and was not getting any response. In fact, my phone has yet to ring. So last night, I thought I may as well send off a few follow up emails. I sent four emails, to the places I was most interested in working at. I sent one to Bumpy's, and in 24 minutes, John responded and I had an interview for this morning.

I also got a response this morning from another business indicating that they still do not have anything available for me, but they do have me on file. And they thanked me for emailing them.

So the moral of this story is, follow up on applications.

Here is the email I sent:

Dear (insert manager's name here)

  I dropped off a resume in your store a few weeks ago. I am still very interested in working for you and was wondering if the position is still available.

Thank You for your time,

(Name)

Thom Shrugged

2009-06-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

I finished reading Atlas Shrugged the other day. More than anything, it has made me feel less sympathetic to other people.

When the thing you fear does not come to pass, are you ever a little let down?

2009-06-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

I do things that make my life more difficult. I plot doom and destruction. I undermine reality, with my own brand of dismal. I am a doubter.

Lucky for most people this struggle never leaves my head. The games I play. The fear.

I am a world unto myself, and when I die, regardless of what happens after, that world will cease.

Part of me misses being depressed and alone. It was so safe and easy. Sleazy.

It is not too surprising that it is harder to go uphill than downhill.

Distracted Robot Thomas

Change np:VNV Nation - Dark Angel

2009-06-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

I guess a lot of things have happened in the past few weeks, but I feel distanced from it. At times like these when there are so many details and processes to go through, gears turning, I find myself losing sight of the point of it all.

Hell is other people.

I feel like listening to all the old EBM I used to listen to regularly. Artists like Neuroticfish, Informatik, Wolfsheim, Absurd Minds and Haujobb.

-Robot Thomas

2009-05-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

Fix it.

Break it.

Fix it.

V for Viral

2009-05-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

I read V for Vendetta in the last twenty four hours. I am excited to notice that at various times in the past week I have come across references to Aleister Crowley, and more specifically, The Law .

I have come to believe, on the suggestion of another, that there are no coincidences, and everything is a message.

I try to think, if I were to lash out at the system I am living in, what would I attack? I try to understand what the root problems are.

I do not know if we are able to self govern. That would require self sufficiency. How much are we willing to sacrifice? Am I?

Dstx gave me a copy of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, which I will start reading this evening. Perhaps in there will be some more insight.

Everything comes back to the self. Everything comes back to Crowley. Everything comes back to Will. Everything comes back.

I think about Will, and what happens when my Will and the laws of man are at odds, I try to understand how to act on that. Mostly I come to realize that it is just navel gazing. My Will, so far at least, does not intersect these laws, so why concern myself with it?

I used to believe that those who professed that Anarchy was their political view of choice were foolish. I believed that anarchy equally chaos.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we could do it. It would be easier for the citizens of an Island nation.

At the Mountains of Madness

2009-04-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

I watched Cloverfield last night. I enjoyed the style of it. It reminded me a lot of H.P. Lovecraft's work. I especially enjoyed the realistic portrayal of citizens being caught in the middle of events that are beyond there control. It is really awesome that the characters are helpless and not larger than life beings(See: I Am Legend).

It got me thinking, especially considering the obvious Lovecraftian undertones to the film, that if there is one book I would actually want to see made into a big budjet film, it has to be Lovecraft's At the Mountains of Madness.

The novel is epic, gives much room for beautiful landscapes, imaginative art direction, an outstanding soundtrack(glass?) and some great suspensfull moments.

Unfortunetly, it would be doomed from the start, since the original was completely devoid of women, it seems obvious that script writers will ruin it by adding a female lead, or worse, changing one of the charaters to a woman.

So. Go make it. Make it good. Preserve the timeline, no updated version please. And finally, use a cast of talented but unknown acters, no big names that will eclipse the story.

Thanks

Thomas

PDF

2009-03-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

I had no idea that the PDF file format was no longer proprietary. I have decided to use the PDF format as my default for sending my resume via the internets. It's nice to know that it will not get butchered by someone viewing my document in non native software.

On a slightly related note I am in love with Inkscape.

I want a new mouse.

2009-03-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

I bought Jpod by Douglas Coupland on Saturday. On Saturday I also woke with no voice. These two factors lead to me reading the entire novel in a 26 hour period. It's also easy to read a novel that has 41 pages devoted to pi.

It was an enjoyable read. Nothing overly exciting or revolutionary for me. I think I am more excited to read Eleanor Rigby. I hope it will be better. When a book is written so full of references to your own culture then it risks being boring.

I want to start working in design right away.

On books.

2009-03-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

I love reading. I love words, flowing into my mind. If only I could spend as much time reading books as I do reading tidbits of information on the internet I would be much further ahead.

I want to write a post about all my favourite books, discussing their importance and influence. I guess I secretly want to be a part of a book club or something of the nature.

Canada Reads is going on this week(I forgot until this moment when I opened another tab and confirmed my suspicion along with discovering that the one book I was thinking of reading was already voted off), and for a while I have wanted to make a small scale version of that with my friends or strangers who show a glimmer of interest. I guess I just want to convince other people that the books I like are important, interesting or fun.

Interpol.

2009-02-04T21:31:00.000-08:00

I love Interpol. I love the word Interpol. If you look at

Interpol

especially in a sans-serif, the I and L frame the word like mirror bookends. The T and P push up and down respectively from the main body at equal distances from the ends, breaking up the otherwise smooth shape of the central letters as well as giving the word a sense of movement in a clockwise fashion around the centre.

Yeah, that was random.

It tolls for thee.

2009-02-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading For Whom The Bell Tolls, by Hemingway(of course). I had completely forgotten about that at the end of Seven William Somerset quotes Hemingway's line "The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for..." so I was surprised to come across it while reading.

Overall I enjoyed the novel, despite my initial apprehension about it's Spanish Civil War theme. I am not normally interested in War Literature. Near the end, one character remarks to another "War is a bitchery."

I got this copy for $3.00 at The Book Nook. I mention this because I really like the dusty cramped atmosphere of the place. Finding a used book should be an adventure.

mmmmm colours.

2009-02-03T16:18:00.000-08:00

This is a silk screened version of an older graphic I made for Dustix.

Dream

2009-02-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that my wedding ring broke. I can't remember anything else, but I have this fuzzy feeling that there was a tractor in another dream.

Are you there God? It's me, Thomas.

2009-01-30T16:24:00.000-08:00

The other day Dustix asked me what my religion was.

I've been trying to figure out how to put it into words in the right way.

I've been looking up definitions so I am certain that what I write here will be accurate and truly representative of what I feel.

I would have to say I am an optimistic agnostic. I want to believe there is a "god." Who or what this being might be is a mystery to me. I think it can be knowable. I think some people do know it. I feel that it is not necessarily through one path or view that this divine whatever is accessible.

I do not believe in the concept of Good vs. Evil. If we are to believe in a God then that God has to encompass all of creation, not just the happy bits.

I will have to add more to this later.

Nightmare!

2009-01-24T21:32:00.000-08:00

Dustix got me a Rubik's cube. Kayla is already jealous. Apparently it consumes too much of my attention for her liking.

BELIEVE SOMETHING!

2009-01-21T00:16:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to feel comfortable in inaction. Reminding myself that I am not here to work or make money, so I can still feel like my life has meaning. I am amazed at how much time I spend in cyclical activities that only serve to distract me. What is it that I am trying to distract myself from?

I am jealous of monks.

I was listening to a CBC podcast, and stumbled upon an interesting thought. The guest was discussing his experiences on a famous pilgrimage, and how people would refer to the journey as if it were the source of the religious experience they gained from it. The guest went on to say that this was in a sense a form of Idolatry. The individuals were placing more importance on the vehicle through which they connected with their god than the god itself.

And I wondered, could that not be said for the churches, for those that participate and propagate organized religion? I'm going to go on and talk about Christians, because they are the only faith with which I have any significant interaction.

Christians get very annoyed* with people who say they believe in God, but not in the religion. I ask, is their religion their God, or does it get in the way? What I mean to say is, their holy book, should it be holy? Is it The Law, or is it a compass?

To paraphrase a Buddhist saying, a hand pointing at the moon is not the moon itself.

What matters more to them, that an individual should feel a connection with "God" or the manner in which the individual makes that connection.

I guess the problem with Christians is the whole Christ thing. In the Christian world, you believe in Him or you do not, the end. In the Christian faith, Christ is a vessel through which we connect to God. Is it not impossible that a person could connect with God without Christ?

It is somewhat annoying growing up in a Christian world, in that it has shaped the way I think of religion. Even the language. It seems interesting to me that in the social circles I encounter the only question is if one believes in God or does not. There is not thought taken that one might worship something else.

I should start my own church.

*Yes, I am generalizing, but I am fairly confident that I could back this up with scriptural evidence telling them to think this way.

uNTITLED.

2009-01-20T16:13:00.000-08:00

Last night, as I was in bed taking some Tylenol to numb the pain from last weeks dentist appointment, I was overcome by the sudden fear that I could die in my sleep.

I feel I have nothing more to add to this.

UNtitled.

2009-01-10T22:32:00.000-08:00

Former CBS anchor, Dan Rather, had a tough time interviewing Mother Teresa.
“When you pray,” asked Dan, "What do you say to God?"
"I don't say any thing," she replied. "I listen."
Dan tried another attack. "Well, OK... when God speaks to you, then, what does He say?"
"He doesn't say anything. He listens." Dan looked bewildered.
"And if you don't understand that," Mother Teresa added, "I can’t explain it to you."'

I would like to think this is the relationship I have with my god.

OH, and I LOVE banana bread.

Great Expectaions.

2009-01-09T21:13:00.000-08:00

Back in Cochrane I bought a copy of Great Expectations by Dickens for $0.50 which was $0.05 more than the original cover price. I finished reading it today. The novel overflows with foreshadowing and yet I was surprised on multiple times. The copy I have is old(from the 50's I think), and has a large number of passages underlined. It looks like it was used for scholarly efforts, because all the passages underlined are the pivotal lines dialogue, not necessarily the more beautiful prose.

My favourite line has to be: "On the stairs I encountered Wimmick, who was coming down, after an unsuccessful application of his knuckles to my door."

I want to see The Reader. It has everything you could want, sex, literature and Nazis! Perhaps I should read the novel instead. (Edit: I found a few copies of this in a used bookstore downtown. Unfortunately that all had that horrid Oprah endorsement on the cover so I could not bring myself to purchase it. )

2009-01-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

I'm unemployed. I hate even typing that. I am not so much disgusted with myself as I am disgusted by the stigmatic response such an admission garners from other people. As if I have taken a lesser calling in life. Of course this is all so pedestrian of me to complain about social situations. How very forward thinking of me.

I would like to live in accordance with my own personal will and let nothing else touch me. Hermann Hesse wrote in Demian that if we plagued by a fantasy, a man true to himself would either accept the fantasy and pursue it or reject it and be plagued no more. A simple shut up or do something about it perspective to the inner workings of our mind. I wonder if this could be applied to all aspects of life. I imagine that to live in such a manner would require a greater sense of faith in one's self. Do you trust yourself?

I think I am finally coming to a sense of understanding toward my religion.

"As a first exercise in magical consciousness spend five minutes looking at everything around you as if ALL OF IT was trying to tell you something very important. How did that light bulb come to be here exactly? Why does the murder victim in the newspaper have the same unusual surname as your father-in-law? Why did the phone ring, just at that moment and what were you thinking when it did?

What's that water stain on the wall of the building opposite? How does it make you feel?

Five minutes of focus during which everything is significant, everything is luminous and heavy with meaning, like the objects seen in dreams.

Go."
-Grant Morrison

2009-01-05T20:57:00.000-08:00

Sam giggled, "You are just afraid of making the wrong choice, so some part of you thinks it's better to make no choice than make the wrong choice, but that is such a broken perspective. You are afraid you might fail. By not making a choice, you are failing anyway. If you try one of your ideas and it fails, you are already better off, simply because you will have changed your habit. Life is about habits. We are what we do."

You make things more complicated than they ever need be.

2008-09-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

Somewhere over the rainbow I can live in my own skin. I can shed the shadows. I get the allure, why holing up in a monastery would be a whole hell of a lot easier. The grass is always greener under the bodhi tree.

********

For eve r I have known that I am the architect of my own destruction and suffering. I am worlds unto myself. So let me not rush into the sharp swords, to reset this journey, for I must learn to mesh myselves. If you want a picture of my past, imagine a boot stomping my face, and know that the boot too is my own.

Wake me up.

2008-04-13T20:50:00.000-07:00

I pick up the phone. Flip it open and stare at the display, no missed calls. I've been in the habit of leaving my phone in the other room, any other room, lately. I pause. Roll it over in my mind. Bitter sweet, I put the phone down again.

I've been doing this for a week or so. Thinking about calling an old friend. Well, texting them to be more accurate. Calling them would place myself in a position of vulnerability I am unable to face.

So I will write about it. Divine about it and leave it be. Tell yourself, "if it is meant to be it will happen." Putting it out to the universe as you once told me to do with some other desire. I can't even remember what it was. The advice lingers long after the event. Like bloodstains I did remember.

I am the happiest I have been. As far as I can remember. Yet something still sleeps inside me. I am unbalanced. Succumb to fits of emotion. I am caught in the winds.

The worst facet of fortune telling is not knowing the question. I was tempted, but while trying to transcribe and understand what I was being told, I realized it was gibberish simply because I asked a non question and was responded in like.

2008-04-10T23:27:00.000-07:00

I came across Seefeel's Quique album on itunes. It has been released as a double album with the usual collection of rare and lost tracks on the second disk.

When I was in high school Tyler lent me a tape of Seefeel that he had made. I listened to it every night when I went to sleep. For years. I never gave it back. I had it until 3 years ago when I left it at the house of this girl I was seeing and never got it back, as I was loathe to speak with her again.

On first listen, as I sit here in bed, it brings strange memories to mind. I feel like I just found a security blanket that seemed lost for good.

This seems like such a waste of communication. These are thoughts that are of little to no interest for anyone but myself, meticulously crafted into a clear manner to be displayed to the public.

I am slowly getting over the idea that the little things in life that mean so much to me go unnoticed by others. It's probably the same for them. An individual is a world unto itself. Other people just trample through our world creating chaos and disharmony. The people I love, I love because of a construct in my mind that has elevated and overlapped their reality with a falsehood that is more vibrant and meaningful that the truth.

You are more colourful in my head. You are more interesting. You are more.

Love is latching onto the best parts of a person while trying your damnedest to filter out all the things that should be bothering you.

2008-03-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

Some days, I would leave this place if it were not for fear of where I would go.

Tonight's Bibliomancy:
Hunter helped her to a standing position. "Well," said Door, sleepily, "he did warn us it was strong." And then Door woke up completely, very hard, very fast. She grabbed Richard's shoulder, pointed to the device on the wall, the snaky S with the stars surrounding it. She gasped. "Serpentine," she said to Richard, to Hunter. "That's Serpentine's crest. Richard, get up! We have to run-before she find out we're here."
Neil Gaiman, Neverwhere

It is difficult to form attachment or a sense of determination in a world that seems to temporary. Men work and strive to create the perfect moment that will crumble. Eventually all the stones in the world will be crushed to sand and dust. Are new rocks being made?

I have trouble understanding my beliefs. Except fear. How I wanted to believe. I want to believe. How could I not? How could I not desire a glimmer of reassurance, when faced with the pistol to my head date of expiration that is the clarity of my own mortality?

Once, while on hallucinogens I slipped into a train out thought that filled me with a terrible fear of death. I do not wish to lend legitimacy to the experience, but I remember feeling that after death would come pain. A pain I felt deep in my chest. That pain rises up in me whenever I am drawn into such morbid thoughts.

2008-03-02T23:12:00.000-08:00

There is this feeling I have been trying to capture for the extent of my recent memory. Recent memory meaning years. Something about these moments I get. Moments where reality seems to stop me in my tracks. I am staring at Kayla while she is talking to me and I realize there is something intangible behind her eyes.All I know is there is a being or personality that I cannot feel, see, smell taste or touch. The strangeness, in what I must assume is a rather unoriginal train of thought to most people, is that normally I don't think of other people as real.

I have a distinct and inescapable detachment from others. People, events, most of life plays out in front of me, like just that. A long, dull piece I forget that people are real. When they leave the room, they leave my reality. Nothing but constructs. Without birth or death.

One dimensional.

2007-11-14T21:19:00.000-08:00

Walking along a road on the hill, we approached a building. A long narrow section jutted out directly toward the road, and the sidewalk we were on, forming a T. Kayla entered the doors closest to us, and I walked around to the other side.

I waited by the door directly opposite of the ones she had used. On either side of the doorway were little cement posts about waist weight with a chain linking each, funneling the eye towards the door. Grasping the chain with both hands I began to cast a spell. Focusing my energy, I repeatedly thought "when she comes out those doors I want her to be happier than she has ever been before."

As I was going through this pattern I saw Kayla come toward me. When she reached me, she had a baby.

2007-10-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

Do I self destruct to make you. Destroy you along my path to enlightenment(read:indulgence)? Optometric conversations. Better or worse? On. Off. On. Off. Regret. Regress. Give me that nice warm, cozy, dark and shielding blanket. I'll see you on the street. By the corner where have you been. Because we will always both be doing so well unless we pretend.

Heart,
your's doomed.

2007-10-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

Charles Baudelaire once said: "That which is not slightly distorted lacks sensible appeal: from which it follows that irregularity - that is to say, the unexpected, surprise and astonishment, are an essential part and characteristic of beauty."

It's no wonder then why it's so hard to live such an artificial life as this. I'll refrain from taking this further down.

Timing is bloody everything. I feel I am being humored. Bargaining.

2007-09-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

2007-08-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

Eat your greens, especially broccoli.

It's not just a chemical imbalance. It's just a chemical imbalance. I hope it is just a chemical imbalance. I hate to have it suggested that it is just a chemical imbalance. Going up?

2007-08-13T15:15:00.000-07:00

Took the day off. No reason.
Sleep till 1pm.
One of the hard parts about living here is how rare it is overcast. I feel better in this weather. Fitter, happier.
Four wasps got in the house today. I caught or persuaded each one back outside without violence. Cohabitation with nature.
I think I need an alone holiday. My "vacations" seem all to be tied to visiting other people. I need to be away.
Living in the same place for an extended period of time is like watching the same television show everyday. They only make so many episodes a season. Oh... I've seen this one before.
I wish I lived alone. My own space to inhabit. I may never know what that is like. Looking around my room. Guilt. Guilt is never a good motivator.
Standing in the shower. Spinning in circles. Can I fall through the floor? I think I need to be a vegetarian.

I'll be waiting, with a gun and a pack of sandwiches and nothing. nothing. nothing.

2007-07-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

When I find something new that sparks me. A piece of inspiration or interest, I want to hide it. I've stolen a slice of cake from the cafeteria. Wrapped in a napkin and stuffed in my coat pocket, I am sliding my way through the halls.

I imagine, when I am a captive, I will latch on to anything that is unique. A scrap of anything that is mine becomes a totem of unimaginable power and release. Watch as I worship the holy and most hallowed six of hearts.

When you hold this curtain up, anything that happens behind it is not real. Often, I find myself overcome with a desire to live in England. I assume it is mostly the accent. I don't think I really want to live in a land full of chavs and bad food. You can say that to desire something you have never had does not make sense, but have you ever said that to a virgin?

Maybe we are all just slaves to advertising. Billions spent each day to convince us that our lives could be better. You are missing something. Something you really shouldn't let pass by. Understanding what I want is such a ridiculous bloody nightmare.

Is this real? Is this real?

Fear of Fours

2007-07-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

I assume that at some point in the future I am going to have to come face to face with my fear of failure. It is with some manner of shame that I have to admit to myself, and anyone else who might be listening, that the greatest enemy of my success is my overwhelming ability to settle for less out of fear of failure. That and to write brilliant run-on sentences.

One view of my room would be a testament to my apathy toward conclusion.

It seems that the great war of my life will be man vs. self. On the plus side, those usually turn out to be the most interesting novels. Man vs. man is so passé. Like becoming a junky(all the time, so come on...).

2007-06-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

I'm on a plane heading east over the Rocky Mountains. On the back of the seat in front of me is a small LCD screen. If you have a set of headphones(or buy some for $3.00) you can watch TSN, Fox News, Much Music, among other channels. The default is channel 9, a "live map" of our flight. Simple graphics represent our approximate location in relation to a static map courtesy of mapquest.

I am more interested in the bottom of the screen, where it displays altitude and speed. Watch them rise, plateau and fall. In the event of a technical difficulty, in the event that something truly catastrophic were to occur, how long till they cut the feed?

I am on a plane that has just lost an engine, losing speed and altitude over the Rocky Mountains, watching it all on an LCD screen.